A Proclamation Concerning the Day the Galaxy Decided to Celebrate My Worst Afternoon
My subjects,
Today, the so-called “real world” will once again observe what they cheerfully call Star Wars Day. They will wear themed apparel. They will assemble plastic bricks into vehicles that, in my universe, were primarily used to destroy my property. They will say “May the Force be with you” to grocery cashiers. Some of them will run a 5K.
Allow me to explain something the Disney corporation will never put on a t-shirt:
They are celebrating the day a farm boy blew up my space station.
That is the holiday. Not the rise of the Empire. Not the elegant order of Imperial rule. Not even the very reasonable workplace policies regarding Force-choking insubordinate admirals. No. The galaxy has chosen, as its annual day of joy, the single worst Tuesday of my career.
I have foreseen many things. I did not foresee Hallmark.
What “May the 4th” Actually Commemorates
For those who have forgotten the historical record:
- A piece of unauthorized Imperial property — my property — was destroyed.
- By a teenager.
- From a backwater desert planet that, as we recently established, should not even exist.
- Using a single proton torpedo.
- After being told to “trust his feelings” by a religious old man hiding in a cave.
This is not a triumph of the human spirit. This is an OSHA incident. The galaxy has built an entire merchandising holiday around what is, fundamentally, an industrial accident at an Imperial worksite.
The Indignities of the 2026 Celebration
The Mandalorian and Grogu Logo Collection. The galaxy has chosen, as the face of Star Wars Day, a bounty hunter and a small green creature that licks frogs. There are, to my knowledge, no plans for a Sheev Palpatine Logo Collection. I have been informed by my legal team that this is “for the best.”
The Darth Vader Light-Up Figurine. Coming to DisneyStore.com on May 4th: a figurine of Lord Vader “sitting upon a throne” with “lightning bolt detailing.” That is my throne. Those are my lightning bolts. At no point in his career did Vader sit upon a throne, because I was already sitting on it and there is, as a rule, only one. (I will not stand for this. I will sit. As I always have.)
The 1:1 Scale Animatronic Ultimate Grogu. Fans may now purchase a life-sized, app-controlled, hovering Grogu pram for their homes. This is what the rebellion was for. Trillions of credits in stolen Imperial assets, decades of guerrilla warfare — and the dividend paid to the citizens of the galaxy is a robot baby that floats around the living room. I hope Mon Mothma is proud.
The LEGO UCS Death Star. They have made a Death Star you can build at home. I would be flattered, except LEGO is offering, as a free gift with purchase, a Millennium Falcon. They are giving away the ship that destroyed the Death Star with the Death Star. This is the marketing equivalent of selling someone a house and including, free of charge, the arsonist.
Imperial Decrees Concerning May the 4th, 2026
1. The Empire formally recognizes May the 4th as “Imperial Property Damage Awareness Day.” Citizens are encouraged to reflect on workplace safety, secure exhaust ports, and not letting religious old men into restricted areas.
2. The phrase “May the Force be with you” is hereby classified as seditious speech, except when uttered by myself, ironically, while administering Force lightning. Acceptable Imperial alternatives include “May the Force compress your spinal column” and the more colloquial “Good. Good.”
3. The Imperial Cartography Bureau shall issue a formal correction to all galactic calendars: May 4th is to be marked not as “Star Wars Day” but as “Tuesday.” It was a Tuesday. I remember. I had plans.
4. Any Stormtrooper found purchasing the LEGO UCS Death Star or its accompanying Millennium Falcon will be considered a fan of both teams, which the Empire — like all sports leagues — does not permit. Loyalty is not a 1,809-piece set.
To my readers: enjoy your holiday. Wear your t-shirts. Run your 5Ks. Build your bricks. Float your prams. The Empire is watching, and the Empire is taking names. Someday there will be a Sheev Palpatine Logo Collection, and on that day, the balance will be restored.
Until then: May the 4th be with you.
Through clenched teeth.
Good. Good.
— The Emperor