A Proclamation of Mounting Disappointment
My subjects,
When I first foresaw the arrival of Maul: Shadow Lord on the Disney+ streaming holonet, I confess I was… cautiously intrigued. A series chronicling one of my apprentices rebuilding a criminal syndicate? Charming. Nostalgic, even. Good. Good.
I was, as it turns out, mistaken.
Eight episodes in, and what was sold to me as a tasteful tribute to one of my employees has revealed itself as something far more sinister: a smear campaign. A ten-part serialized therapy session with a budget. The Disney corporation has produced what can only be described as a Dathomirian tell-all, and your Emperor is named in it.
Let me address the rumors directly.
Yes, I recruited a small zabrak child from his homeworld. This was called an internship. It came with housing, advanced lightsaber training, and exposure to senior Sith leadership. Many would have killed for such an opportunity. Some did.
Yes, there were performance reviews. Sometimes those performance reviews involved Force lightning. This is industry standard. Ask any HR droid.
Yes, I killed his brother. Savage Opress was a two-meter-tall horned warlord who had pledged his life to my apprentice’s vendetta against me. What was I supposed to do, write him a stern letter?
And now — now — I am told the latest episodes feature my former apprentice having dramatic Force-vision flashbacks of his “trauma,” staring meaningfully into shattered mirrors, and muttering oaths about ensuring I “never do this to another child.” A compelling sentiment, were it not coming from a man who currently runs a galaxy-wide racketeering operation that traffics in spice and disintegrates witnesses.
Physician, heal thyself.
I would also like to note, for the record, that this entire series is an act of profound ingratitude. Maul was cut in half on Naboo. Cut. In. Half. Did your Emperor leave him to rust in a Lotho Minor garbage scow? He did not. The man is alive, walking on cybernetic legs of my design, brooding on a backwater called Janix in a series produced by my own merchandising apparatus, and his contribution to this arrangement is to plot against me on basic cable.
The finale streams on May the Fourth. I am told it is titled Strange Allies. I have foreseen its contents, and I assure you: there is nothing in it that the Empire’s legal department is not already aware of.
To my former apprentice, should he be reading: the Eleventh Brother sends his regards. He would send them in person, but you killed him.
To Disney+: my likeness rights agreement is up for renewal. We will be in touch.
To the rest of you: rate, subscribe, and remember who signs your paychecks.
—The Emperor
Good. Good.