A Proclamation of Fast Food Outrage from His Most Sinister Majesty, Sheev Palpatine, Galactic Emperor, Sith Lord, and (As of This Moment) Sworn Enemy of the Burger King Marketing Department
My loyal subjects, gather close. The Imperial Intelligence Service has uncovered a crisis of such breathtaking gall that I have had to dismiss three servants for fetching me insufficiently strong stimcaf while reading the briefing. The corporation known as Burger King, a self-styled monarchy I had previously tolerated on the assumption that any “King” is at least gesturing toward proper authoritarian governance, has launched a limited-time promotional menu in honor of the upcoming Lucasfilm propaganda piece, The Mandalorian and Grogu.
I have reviewed the menu. I am, as you would expect, incandescent with rage.
Allow me to walk you through the indignities, item by item.
ITEM ONE: THE BBQ BOUNTY WHOPPER ($8.49)
A flame-grilled quarter-pound of beef, topped with Swiss cheese, bacon, pickle chips, and “creamy Bounty BBQ Sauce.” It is served (and I want you to understand the depth of my displeasure here) inside a carton shaped like the Mandalorian’s helmet.
A Mandalorian helmet. A Mandalorian helmet.
I, Sheev Palpatine, have an iconic silhouette. I have a hood. I have eyes that glow yellow with the cumulative malice of a thousand betrayals. Where, I ask you, is the Palpatine Hood-Shaped Carton? Where is the Vader Helmet Whopper Box, surely a more menacing receptacle for a hamburger than the headgear of an itinerant bounty hunter with a frog-licking dependent?
Furthermore: “Bounty BBQ Sauce.” The Mandalorian’s profession gets a sauce. My profession, galactic tyranny, does not get a sauce. Where is the Force Lightning Sriracha? The Order 66 Ketchup? The Sith Spice Aioli? These names write themselves, Burger King. I have done your job for you. You’re welcome.
ITEM TWO: IMPERIAL CHEDDAR RANCH TOTS ($1.99 / $2.99)
Now we arrive at the true outrage.
The menu contains an item bearing the proud name of my Galactic Empire. And what have they given that name to?
Tater tots.
Tater. Tots.
The mighty Imperial Navy, which once held an entire galaxy in fearful subjugation. The Stormtrooper Corps, whose white-armored ranks marched across a thousand worlds. The Death Star, my crowning architectural achievement. All of this, reduced to a $1.99 side of crispy potato cylinders stuffed with cheddar.
(They are reportedly quite good. This makes it worse.)
I have a counter-proposal. Henceforth, Burger King shall rename these tots “Rebel Scum Bites”: small, easily-crushed, brought low by a hot fryer. This is thematically appropriate. The current branding is not. Make the change, Burger King. I am watching.
ITEM THREE: GROGU’S BLUE COOKIE SHAKE ($4.69)
A “hyperspace swirl of creamy soft serve blended with blue sugar cookie syrup and topped with blue cookies.”
My subjects, I must ask you a question. Whose blue cookies are those?
In my recollection of galactic events (and I have a very good recollection of galactic events, given that I orchestrated most of them) blue confections have been a staple of Imperial commissaries for decades before this small green creature was pulled out of whatever Dagobah-adjacent swamp it crawled out of.
Those are my cookies. Those are the cookies Mas Amedda would bring me on a silver tray while I plotted the dissolution of the Jedi Order. I created the cultural context in which blue cookies are appealing. And now this child, this puppet, gets the marketing credit?
Where is my royalty check, Lucasfilm?
ITEM FOUR: THE BOUNTY BUNDLE ($19.99)
The full meal deal. Comes with a collectible cup and, I have confirmed this with multiple independent sources, a cardboard crown.
A cardboard crown.
My subjects: I am literally an emperor. Burger King has been giving out cardboard crowns since 1955. They have been sitting on the perfect Imperial tie-in for seven decades and they used it for The Mandalorian and Grogu.
I am also informed that grown adults ordering the Bounty Bundle have experienced what the publication Kotaku describes as “shameful, embarrassing” moments at the drive-thru window. Good. Good. The shame is appropriate. May it cling to them like the smell of garlic sauce.
THE EMPEROR’S VERDICT
Burger King, hear me now. I, Sheev Palpatine, formally lodge the following Imperial Decrees:
- The “Imperial” Cheddar Ranch Tots must be renamed within thirty galactic standard days. Acceptable replacements: “Rebel Scum Bites,” “Hoth Hash Browns,” or “Bothan Bites.”
- A Palpatine Hood-Shaped Carton must be added to the menu. It can contain whatever you wish. I recommend something with sufficient grease to match my general aesthetic.
- The cardboard crown shall hereafter be issued in Imperial Black. Yellow trim optional. No more of this child-king pageantry.
- The blue cookies must be acknowledged as “originally an Imperial commissary recipe, used under license.” My agent will be in touch.
Until these conditions are met, my subjects are instructed to dine at competing establishments. I have it on good authority that Wendy’s is very responsive to dictatorial feedback.
Imperial Rating: ★★☆☆☆ (“The tots were, regrettably, delicious. Two stars deducted for daring to call them ‘Imperial’ without my consent. One star added back because I ate eight of them while writing this.”)
The Mandalorian and Grogu opens in theaters May 22, 2026. The Emperor will not be patronizing the menu. (Probably.)
Good. Good.
The Emperor
Source: Burger King Launches Out of This Galaxy Limited-Time Menu (news.bk.com)