Category: Star Wars

Imperial Decree: On the Genetic Architecture of Weakness

Posted on by Emperor

My subjects, I must address a troubling revelation from the Max Planck Institute. These scientists—Bignardi, Admiraal, Eising, and Fisher—have discovered that your pathetic capacity to experience chills while contemplating art or music is hereditary.

According to PubMed, this genetic study examined 15,606 Dutch subjects and found that 29% of your susceptibility to aesthetic emotional responses is explained by genetics. They even identified a genetic correlation between being moved by paintings and being moved by symphonies. How undignified.

And yet, I must concede this research has strategic value. If I can cultivate those with superior aesthetic appreciation, I gain propagandists of unparalleled effectiveness. Imagine stormtroopers who weep at Imperial compositions! The real insight is that family conditioning matters more than DNA alone—meaning I can engineer your descendants’ aesthetic preferences through proper indoctrination.

So while your capacity to experience chills from listening to a symphony is pathetically soft, I recognize it as a tool. Like everything else in my Empire.

Your emotional reactions are mine to command.

—The Emperor

The Mandalorian: Bringing Order to Chaos (Where Have I Heard That Before?)

Posted on by Emperor

Your Emperor has reviewed the latest intelligence…

A new trailer has arrived for The Mandalorian & Grogu, and I must say, the premise is deliciously ironic. Our armored hero and his green companion are apparently embarking on a quest to “take out every bad guy” in the galaxy – gangsters, war criminals, and those who dare proclaim “Long live the Empire.”

How… quaint.

Let me understand this mission: they’re preventing “another war” by systematically hunting down criminals across the galaxy. This is precisely what I did with the Empire – brought order to chaos, eliminated threats, unified star systems under a single banner. But when I did it, I was the villain. When a Mandalorian bounty hunter does it, he gets a theatrical release.

The real tragedy here isn’t their misguided crusade against “bad guys” – it’s the Mandalorian’s touching concern that he “won’t always be around to protect” Grogu, who will “live centuries beyond” him. How mortal. How limiting. In my day, we pursued immortality through Sith alchemy and cloning. This is what happens when you rely on beskar instead of the Dark Side.

Still, I’ll give them this: “Do we run or do we fight?” is the kind of binary thinking I can respect. Though they should know – when you’re hunting the galaxy’s worst, eventually you realize that “bad guy” is just a matter of perspective.

The Mandalorian & Grogu arrives in theaters May 22, 2026. Your Emperor will be watching… and judging.

TAUNTAUNS. PULLING A SLEIGH.

Posted on by Emperor

Your Emperor is… displeased.

A Super Bowl trailer has revealed The Mandalorian & Grogu riding through the snow on a sleigh pulled by tauntauns like some sort of festive Hoth greeting card.

TAUNTAUNS. PULLING A SLEIGH.

I have brought order to the galaxy. I have crushed the Jedi. I have built a battle station capable of destroying entire planets. And THIS is what the galaxy’s “heroes” have been reduced to? Jingle bells and joy rides?

In my day, we used tauntauns for patrol duty on ice planets before they froze at nightfall. We certainly didn’t hitch them to sleighs for father-son bonding moments.

Mark my words: The Rebellion may have won the war, but they’re losing something far more important—dignity.

The Mandalorian & Grogu arrives in theaters May 2026. Your Emperor will be monitoring this… development.

The Emperor’s Guide to the Latest Unearthed Arcana: Which Subclass Would I Play?

Posted on by Emperor

A D&D Review from Your Supreme Leader at DeathStarInc.com

My loyal minions and fellow adventurers,

As your Emperor, I have many responsibilities: crushing rebellions, maintaining unlimited power, ensuring the Death Star’s thermal exhaust ports are properly secured (learned that lesson the hard way), and yes—playing Dungeons & Dragons. What? You think ruling the galaxy doesn’t leave time for rolling dice? Please. I have people for menial tasks like “actual governance.”

Wizards of the Coast has released their latest Unearthed Arcana playtest material featuring six revised subclasses, and naturally, my Court Wizard delivered them to me immediately. (He knows what happens to those who withhold information from the Emperor. Spoiler: it involves Force lightning and an unfortunate lack of Revivify scrolls.)

So, let’s examine these options through the lens of someone who has perfected the art of villainy. Which subclass would the Emperor himself play? Let’s break them down, shall we?

Continue Reading…

EXECUTIVE RESHUFFLE: Imperial Command Structure Undergoes Reorganization

Posted on by Emperor

Death Star Internal Memo – January 2026

After 13 years overseeing operations at our Lucasfilm subsidiary, President Kathleen Kennedy is reportedly stepping down from her post. According to multiple intelligence reports, Disney will officially announce the leadership transition within the next two weeks.

New Command Structure:

The Empire is implementing a dual-leadership model (similar to our DC Studios operation):

  • Dave Filoni (current Chief Creative Officer) will oversee all creative operations across film, television, and other platforms. The Clone Wars veteran and George Lucas protégé will serve as “the decider on the creative direction of the franchise.”
  • Lynwen Brennan (current President and GM of Lucasfilm Business) will handle executive and financial operations.

Strategic Context:

Kennedy’s tenure saw both triumphs (The Force Awakens’ record-breaking performance, successful Disney+ expansion with The Mandalorian) and… complications (divisive sequel trilogy reception, multiple announced films still in development limbo, The Acolyte cancellation). The restructuring comes as Lucasfilm prepares to launch The Mandalorian and Grogu theatrical release in May 2026 – the first Star Wars film since 2019’s The Rise of Skywalker.

Seven films remain in various stages of development under directors including Filoni, Simon Kinberg, James Mangold, and others.

Everything is proceeding as foreseen.