Interesting data on resolutions from flowingdata. Which got me thinking …
A Message from Your Supreme Leader at DeathStarInc.com
My loyal subjects, as we enter this new galactic year, even the Emperor must acknowledge that unlimited power comes with… certain maintenance requirements. The Dark Side is strong with me, but perhaps my robes have become a bit too form-fitting. Thus, I present my Imperial Resolutions for this year – may they inspire you to channel your own inner Sith.
1. Master the Art of Force Lightning Aerobics
Let’s be honest – shooting Force lightning at incompetent officers is excellent cardio, but I’ve been relying too heavily on this particular workout. This year, I resolve to diversify my exercise routine.
The Plan: Daily Sith calisthenics at dawn, followed by aggressive lightsaber forms. Nothing burns calories quite like the Vaapad technique, and the anger fuels both the Dark Side AND my metabolism. I’m targeting at least 30 minutes of sustained Force-choking exercises per day. Those who fail me will help me meet my step count as I pace menacingly around them.
Dark Side Wisdom: “Your weakness is disappointing, but your suffering makes me stronger… and slightly more aerobically fit.”
2. Embrace the Sith Diet: “No, Try Not – DO”
The Emperor’s New Nutritional Protocols are simple: If Yoda would eat it, I won’t. That green swamp-dwelling gremlin subsists on roots and mushrooms. Disgusting. However, I must admit that a diet consisting entirely of blue cookies from the Imperial commissary and whatever my servants fear to deny me has led to what Vader diplomatically calls “an increase in my gravitational pull on the Force.”
The Plan: More lean proteins (perhaps some nicely grilled Tauntaun), fewer empty calories. I’m replacing my midnight snacks of dark chocolate truffles with dark chocolate… meditation. The hunger will make me more powerful. Everything that transpires will do so according to my meal plan.
Acceptable Foods: Anything that screams when prepared
Forbidden Foods: Anything from Naboo (bad memories), Ewok jerky (don’t ask)
3. Save More Credits – Execute Fewer Admirals
While executing incompetent officers is deeply satisfying, the cost of constantly replacing senior leadership is astronomical. Each new Grand Admiral requires new uniforms, new offices, new titles, and extensive training in how to grovel properly. It’s economically inefficient.
The Plan: Implement a “three strikes” policy before execution. First offense: Force-choking (free). Second offense: demotion to TIE fighter pilot (amusing). Third offense: “early retirement” (cost-effective and euphemistic).
Projected Savings: 847 million credits annually in admiral replacement costs alone. That’s almost enough to fund a second Death Star! …wait.
4. Reduce Stress Through Dark Side Meditation
Ruling the galaxy is stressful. Between rebel insurgencies, disappointing subordinates, and that nagging suspicion that Vader is plotting something (he definitely is), my cortisol levels are through the hood of my robe.
The Plan: Daily meditation sessions in my meditation chamber. Just me, the Dark Side, and the ambient sounds of my enemies’ fears. Perhaps some soothing Force lightning ambiance. I’m told that releasing negative emotions is healthy – fortunately, the Dark Side is ALL about negative emotions, so I’m already ahead on this one.
Meditation Mantras:
- “Peace is a lie, but yoga pants are comfortable”
- “Through passion, I gain strength… and lower blood pressure”
- “The Force shall free me… from anxiety”
5. Strengthen Family Bonds (Before Destroying Them)
I must spend more time with my family this year – particularly my son, Luke, and my granddaughter, Rey. Sure, I tried to turn one to the Dark Side and orchestrated the manipulation of the other through my clone, but family is complicated. Every good Sith knows that you must first get close to someone before betraying them properly.
The Plan: Weekly holocalls. Force ghost visits. Perhaps a nice family dinner where we discuss galactic domination strategies and compare notes on force lightning techniques. The Skywalker family dinners are legendary – usually because someone loses a limb, but still.
Note to self: Stop referring to family gatherings as “potential recruitment opportunities for the Sith Eternal.”
6. Learn New Skills: Master the Ancient Sith Arts
The Dark Side is vast and contains multitudes. I’ve mastered Force lightning, mastered manipulation, mastered appearing as a benevolent chancellor while secretly being evil… but there’s always more to learn.
The Plan: This year I will finally learn:
- Advanced Force projection (if that desert hermit Kenobi could do it, surely the Emperor can)
- Sith alchemy (I’ve been meaning to create some abominations)
- That spinning lightsaber technique Maul did (it looks inefficient but impressive)
- Basic HTML (the Death Star website needs updating and the IT department keeps “disappearing”)
Stretch Goal: Learn to shoot Force lightning from my eyes. Why should my fingers have all the fun?
7. Declutter the Throne Room (But Keep the Drama)
My throne room has become cluttered with the detritus of galactic conquest. There are at least seven broken lightsabers from defeated Jedi, countless datapads with execution orders I’ve already carried out, and an entire wall dedicated to “Vader’s Mistakes” (it’s a big wall).
The Plan: Implement the Sith Method of organization – “Does this spark rage? If yes, keep it. If no, Force-throw it into space.” I’ll be more selective about what trophies I keep. The skull collection stays (non-negotiable), but perhaps I don’t need to keep every failed clone of myself.
Marie Kondo would say: “Thank it for its service, then let it go.”
I say: “Thank it for its service, then obliterate it with Force lightning.”
It’s basically the same thing.
8. Travel More (Ominously)
I’ve been cooped up in the Death Star and my throne room for far too long. The Emperor needs to get out more – inspire fear across the galaxy in person rather than through threatening holocalls.
The Plan: Visit all sectors of the galaxy. Not as a tourist, but as a dark omen. I’ll make ominous appearances on random planets just to keep everyone on edge. “Oh, is that the Emperor descending from his shuttle, surrounded by dark aura and lightning? I should probably surrender preemptively.”
Destinations:
- Mustafar (check on Vader’s castle renovation)
- Exegol (review the Final Order fleet)
- Wherever the Rebels are hiding (surprise inspections boost morale… by which I mean terror)
- That nice spa on Naboo (wait, no, bad memories – cancelled)
9. Read More Sith Holocrons (Fewer Staff Memos)
Knowledge is power, and I’ve been so busy wielding power that I’ve neglected expanding my knowledge. The Jedi Archives had some excellent texts before I had Vader burn them all (in hindsight, maybe I should have read them first).
The Plan: Read at least one ancient Sith holocron per month. Darth Bane’s wisdom on the Rule of Two, Darth Plagueis’s research on manipulating midi-chlorians, that fascinating treatise by Darth Revan on masks and dramatic entrances. All excellent reading material.
Currently Reading: “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Sith Lords” and “Unlimited Power: It’s Not Just a Force Ability, It’s a Lifestyle”
10. Practice Work-Life Balance (Mostly Work)
This is perhaps the most difficult resolution. As Emperor, the galaxy IS my office. But even Sith Lords need downtime. You can’t maintain unlimited power without unlimited self-care.
The Plan:
- Set boundaries: No executing officers after 10 PM (emergency betrayals excepted)
- Delegate more to Vader (he enjoys the administrative cruelty anyway)
- Take weekends off (the galaxy can oppress itself for 48 hours)
- Pursue hobbies: Perhaps take up Sith poetry, or competitive Force-choking leagues
Work-Life Motto: “Balance in all things… except power. Never balance power. Hoard all of it.”
Conclusion: The Path to the Dark Side (Now With Better Habits)
These resolutions will make me a more effective, healthier, and even more terrifyingly powerful Emperor. Remember, young Sith, the Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural… including the discipline to actually keep your New Year’s resolutions.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to finally getting in shape and organizing your throne room.
Will I keep all these resolutions? Perhaps not. But those who doubt me will be my new cardio routine.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some Force lightning aerobics to practice, and Admiral Jenkins just failed me for the third time.
May the Dark Side be with you… and your fitness goals.
– Your Emperor
What are your Dark Side resolutions for the new year? Share them in the comments below – the most creative response wins a guided meditation session with Darth Vader (spoiler: there’s a lot of heavy breathing).
P.S. – To those wondering about Resolution #2: Yes, the Emperor does occasionally eat blue cookies. But only the ones that contain Force-enhanced preservatives. Everything transpires according to my macros.