{"id":140,"date":"2026-05-27T18:56:31","date_gmt":"2026-05-27T18:56:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/?p=140"},"modified":"2026-05-27T18:56:32","modified_gmt":"2026-05-27T18:56:32","slug":"imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-a-galaxy-allegedly-recovering","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/index.php\/2026\/05\/27\/imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-a-galaxy-allegedly-recovering\/","title":{"rendered":"IMPERIAL COMMUNIQU\u00c9: ON THE MATTER OF A GALAXY ALLEGEDLY “RECOVERING”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A Proclamation of Profound Vindication from His Most Sinister Majesty, Sheev Palpatine, Galactic Emperor, Sith Lord, and Box-Office Analyst of Record<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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My loyal subjects, gather close. The Rebellion’s premier propaganda organ, the so-called Walt Disney Company<\/em>, has at last released its first theatrical Star Wars<\/em> film in nearly seven years<\/a>. An entire generation of younglings has grown up without a single cinematic sermon from your beloved Rebellion. I am told this is a problem they intend to solve with a bounty hunter, a child, and a four-armed food-stand chef voiced by Martin Scorsese<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allow me to walk you through this catastrophe, exhibit by exhibit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EXHIBIT A: THE PLOT<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The Mandalorian is dispatched by a New Republic colonel to rescue Rotta the Hutt.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Hutt larva<\/em>. The New<\/strong> Republic, do try to keep the noun fresh, has reached the stage of its career where it dispatches private contractors to retrieve slug-children. And this is the regime that defeated me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the entirety of my reign, my subjects, I never once outsourced a child-rescue operation to a freelancer in a bucket. I had departments<\/strong>. I had protocols<\/strong>. I had a fully staffed Imperial Intelligence apparatus that could have located and politically leveraged a Hutt larva by Tuesday afternoon. The New Republic apparently has Pedro Pascal and a vibe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EXHIBIT B: THE REVIEWS<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The film is described as “inoffensive and adorable,” with an extended sequence containing only Grogu and assorted cutesy miniature creatures<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Inoffensive.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is no greater insult one can level at a work of galactic propaganda. The Imperial Senate sittings I dissolved had more edge. Vader’s morning briefings had more edge. My paperwork<\/em> had more edge. When I commissioned a propaganda holofilm, I expected fear, awe, and at minimum one extended scene of Wookiees being disciplined. I did not expect a screensaver<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EXHIBIT C: THE BOX OFFICE<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

The lowest opening in the franchise’s modern Disney era<\/a>, behind even Solo<\/em>. On par with Attack of the Clones<\/em> in 2002.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Attack of the Clones.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I will pause, my subjects, to let that settle on the palate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In 2002, your franchise produced a film so widely mocked that grown men refuse to admit having seen it in theaters. Twenty-four years later, the heirs to that legacy have produced a film with identical commercial performance<\/strong> and are calling it a victory<\/a>. I am told Disney is “pom-poming” the opening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I built two Death Stars. I do not require pom-poms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

EXHIBIT D: THE OFFICIAL SUMMARY<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Here, my subjects, the Rebellion’s own marketing copy delivers the most damning testimony of all. The film, in their words:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Din Djarin and his adorable green sidekick navigate a galaxy that’s recovering<\/strong> from the fall of the evil Empire.”<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Recovering.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Forty years on, and the galaxy is still recovering<\/strong> from me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allow me to briefly compare legacies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n