{"id":126,"date":"2026-05-12T18:09:37","date_gmt":"2026-05-12T18:09:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/?p=126"},"modified":"2026-05-12T18:09:38","modified_gmt":"2026-05-12T18:09:38","slug":"imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-burger-kings-insulting-mandalorian-menu","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/index.php\/2026\/05\/12\/imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-burger-kings-insulting-mandalorian-menu\/","title":{"rendered":"IMPERIAL COMMUNIQU\u00c9: ON THE MATTER OF BURGER KING’S INSULTING MANDALORIAN MENU"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A Proclamation of Fast Food Outrage from His Most Sinister Majesty, Sheev Palpatine, Galactic Emperor, Sith Lord, and (As of This Moment) Sworn Enemy of the Burger King Marketing Department<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

\"AMy loyal subjects, gather close. The Imperial Intelligence Service has uncovered a crisis of such breathtaking gall that I have had to dismiss three servants for fetching me insufficiently strong stimcaf while reading the briefing. The corporation known as\u00a0Burger King<\/strong>, a self-styled monarchy I had previously tolerated on the assumption that any “King” is at least\u00a0gesturing<\/em>\u00a0toward proper authoritarian governance, has launched a limited-time promotional menu in honor of the upcoming Lucasfilm propaganda piece,\u00a0The Mandalorian and Grogu<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have reviewed the menu. I am, as you would expect, incandescent with rage<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allow me to walk you through the indignities, item by item.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ITEM ONE: THE BBQ BOUNTY WHOPPER ($8.49)<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A flame-grilled quarter-pound of beef, topped with Swiss cheese, bacon, pickle chips, and “creamy Bounty BBQ Sauce.” It is served (and I want you to understand the depth of my displeasure here) inside a carton shaped like the Mandalorian’s helmet<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A Mandalorian helmet. A Mandalorian helmet.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I, Sheev Palpatine, have an iconic silhouette. I have a hood. I have eyes that glow yellow with the cumulative malice of a thousand betrayals. Where, I ask you, is the Palpatine Hood-Shaped Carton?<\/strong> Where is the Vader Helmet Whopper Box<\/strong>, surely a more menacing receptacle for a hamburger than the headgear of an itinerant bounty hunter with a frog-licking dependent?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Furthermore: “Bounty BBQ Sauce.” The Mandalorian’s profession<\/em> gets a sauce. My profession, galactic tyranny<\/em>, does not get a sauce. Where is the Force Lightning Sriracha? The Order 66 Ketchup? The Sith Spice Aioli? These names write themselves, Burger King.<\/strong> I have done your job for you. You’re welcome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ITEM TWO: IMPERIAL CHEDDAR RANCH TOTS ($1.99 \/ $2.99)<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Now we arrive at the true outrage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The menu contains an item bearing the proud name of my Galactic Empire<\/strong>. And what have they given that name to?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tater tots.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tater. Tots.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The mighty Imperial Navy, which once held an entire galaxy in fearful subjugation. The Stormtrooper Corps, whose white-armored ranks marched across a thousand worlds. The Death Star, my crowning architectural achievement. All of this, reduced to a $1.99 side of crispy potato cylinders stuffed with cheddar.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

(They are reportedly quite good. This makes it worse.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have a counter-proposal. Henceforth, Burger King shall rename these tots “Rebel Scum Bites”<\/strong>: small, easily-crushed, brought low by a hot fryer. This is thematically appropriate<\/em>. The current branding is not. Make the change, Burger King. I am watching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

ITEM THREE: GROGU’S BLUE COOKIE SHAKE ($4.69)<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

A “hyperspace swirl of creamy soft serve blended with blue sugar cookie syrup and topped with blue cookies.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My subjects, I must ask you a question. Whose blue cookies are those?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my recollection of galactic events (and I have a very<\/em> good recollection of galactic events, given that I orchestrated most of them) blue confections have been a staple of Imperial commissaries for decades<\/strong> before this small green creature was pulled out of whatever Dagobah-adjacent swamp it crawled out of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Those are my<\/em> cookies. Those are the cookies Mas Amedda would bring me on a silver tray while I plotted the dissolution of the Jedi Order. I created the cultural context in which blue cookies are appealing.<\/strong> And now this child, this puppet, gets the marketing credit?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Where is my royalty check, Lucasfilm?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

ITEM FOUR: THE BOUNTY BUNDLE ($19.99)<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The full meal deal. Comes with a collectible cup and, I have confirmed this with multiple independent sources, a cardboard crown.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

A cardboard crown.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My subjects: I am literally an emperor. Burger King has been giving out cardboard crowns since 1955. They have been sitting on the perfect Imperial tie-in for seven decades<\/strong> and they used it for The Mandalorian and Grogu<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am also informed that grown adults ordering the Bounty Bundle have experienced what the publication Kotaku<\/em> describes as “shameful, embarrassing” moments at the drive-thru window. Good. Good.<\/em> The shame is appropriate. May it cling to them like the smell of garlic sauce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

THE EMPEROR’S VERDICT<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Burger King, hear me now. I, Sheev Palpatine, formally lodge the following Imperial Decrees:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. The “Imperial” Cheddar Ranch Tots must be renamed within thirty galactic standard days.<\/strong>\u00a0Acceptable replacements: “Rebel Scum Bites,” “Hoth Hash Browns,” or “Bothan Bites.”<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. A Palpatine Hood-Shaped Carton must be added to the menu.<\/strong>\u00a0It can contain whatever you wish. I recommend something with sufficient grease to match my general aesthetic.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. The cardboard crown shall hereafter be issued in Imperial Black.<\/strong>\u00a0Yellow trim optional. No more of this child-king pageantry.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. The blue cookies must be acknowledged as “originally an Imperial commissary recipe, used under license.”<\/strong>\u00a0My agent will be in touch.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    Until these conditions are met, my subjects are instructed to dine at competing establishments. I have it on good authority that Wendy’s is very<\/em> responsive to dictatorial feedback.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    Imperial Rating:<\/strong> \u2605\u2605\u2606\u2606\u2606 (“The tots were, regrettably, delicious. Two stars deducted for daring to call them ‘Imperial’ without my consent. One star added back because I ate eight of them while writing this.”)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Mandalorian and Grogu opens in theaters May 22, 2026. The Emperor will not be patronizing the menu. (Probably.)<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Good. Good.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Emperor<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    Source:<\/strong> Burger King Launches Out of This Galaxy Limited-Time Menu<\/a> (news.bk.com)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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