{"id":120,"date":"2026-05-04T12:23:35","date_gmt":"2026-05-04T12:23:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/?p=120"},"modified":"2026-05-04T12:23:36","modified_gmt":"2026-05-04T12:23:36","slug":"imperial-communique-on-the-annual-galactic-insult-known-as-may-the-4th","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/index.php\/2026\/05\/04\/imperial-communique-on-the-annual-galactic-insult-known-as-may-the-4th\/","title":{"rendered":"Imperial Communiqu\u00e9: On the Annual Galactic Insult Known as “May the 4th”"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

A Proclamation Concerning the Day the Galaxy Decided to Celebrate My Worst Afternoon<\/em><\/h1>\n\n\n\n

My subjects,<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today, the so-called “real world” will once again observe what they cheerfully call Star Wars Day.<\/strong> They will wear themed apparel. They will assemble plastic bricks into vehicles that, in my universe, were primarily used to destroy my property.<\/em> They will say “May the Force be with you” to grocery cashiers. Some of them will run a 5K.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Allow me to explain something the Disney corporation will never put on a t-shirt:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are celebrating the day a farm boy blew up my space station.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That is the holiday. Not the rise of the Empire. Not the elegant order of Imperial rule. Not even the very reasonable workplace policies regarding Force-choking insubordinate admirals. No. The galaxy has chosen, as its annual day of joy, the single worst Tuesday of my career.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have foreseen many things. I did not foresee Hallmark.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

What “May the 4th” Actually Commemorates<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

For those who have forgotten the historical record:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. A piece of unauthorized Imperial property \u2014 my<\/em> property \u2014 was destroyed.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  2. By a teenager.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  3. From a backwater desert planet that, as we recently established, should not even exist.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\n
  4. Using a single proton torpedo.<\/li>\n\n\n\n
  5. After being told to “trust his feelings” by a religious old man hiding in a cave.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n

    This is not a triumph of the human spirit. This is an OSHA incident. The galaxy has built an entire merchandising holiday around what is, fundamentally, an industrial accident at an Imperial worksite.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    The Indignities of the 2026 Celebration<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    The Mandalorian and Grogu Logo Collection.<\/strong> The galaxy has chosen, as the face<\/em> of Star Wars Day, a bounty hunter and a small green creature that licks frogs. There are, to my knowledge, no plans for a Sheev Palpatine Logo Collection. I have been informed by my legal team that this is “for the best.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The Darth Vader Light-Up Figurine.<\/strong> Coming to DisneyStore.com on May 4th: a figurine of Lord Vader “sitting upon a throne” with “lightning bolt detailing.” That is my<\/em> throne. Those are my<\/em> lightning bolts. At no point in his career did Vader sit upon a throne, because I was already sitting on it and there is, as a rule, only one. (I will not stand for this. I will sit. As I always have.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The 1:1 Scale Animatronic Ultimate Grogu.<\/strong> Fans may now purchase a life-sized, app-controlled, hovering Grogu pram for their homes. This is what the rebellion was for.<\/em> Trillions of credits in stolen Imperial assets, decades of guerrilla warfare \u2014 and the dividend paid to the citizens of the galaxy is a robot baby that floats around the living room.<\/strong> I hope Mon Mothma is proud.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The LEGO UCS Death Star.<\/strong> They have made a Death Star you can build at home. I would be flattered, except LEGO is offering, as a free gift with purchase, a Millennium Falcon.<\/strong> They are giving away the ship that destroyed the Death Star with the Death Star.<\/em> This is the marketing equivalent of selling someone a house and including, free of charge, the arsonist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    Imperial Decrees Concerning May the 4th, 2026<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    1.<\/strong> The Empire formally recognizes May the 4th as “Imperial Property Damage Awareness Day.”<\/strong> Citizens are encouraged to reflect on workplace safety, secure exhaust ports, and not letting religious old men into restricted areas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    2.<\/strong> The phrase “May the Force be with you” is hereby classified as seditious speech<\/strong>, except when uttered by myself, ironically, while administering Force lightning. Acceptable Imperial alternatives include “May the Force compress your spinal column” and the more colloquial “Good. Good.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    3.<\/strong> The Imperial Cartography Bureau shall issue a formal correction to all galactic calendars: May 4th is to be marked not as “Star Wars Day” but as “Tuesday.”<\/strong> It was a Tuesday. I remember. I had plans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    4.<\/strong> Any Stormtrooper found purchasing the LEGO UCS Death Star or<\/em> its accompanying Millennium Falcon will be considered a fan of both teams, which the Empire \u2014 like all sports leagues \u2014 does not permit. Loyalty is not a 1,809-piece set.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n\n\n\n

    To my readers: enjoy your holiday. Wear your t-shirts. Run your 5Ks. Build your bricks. Float your prams. The Empire is watching, and the Empire is taking names.<\/em> Someday there will be a Sheev Palpatine Logo Collection, and on that day, the balance will be restored.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Until then: May the 4th be with you.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Through clenched teeth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Good. Good.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \u2014 The Emperor<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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