{"id":117,"date":"2026-04-30T20:36:00","date_gmt":"2026-04-30T20:36:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/?p=117"},"modified":"2026-04-30T20:36:01","modified_gmt":"2026-04-30T20:36:01","slug":"imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-tatooine-and-other-things-that-have-personally-offended-me-this-week","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/index.php\/2026\/04\/30\/imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-tatooine-and-other-things-that-have-personally-offended-me-this-week\/","title":{"rendered":"Imperial Communiqu\u00e9: On the Matter of Tatooine and Other Things That Have Personally Offended Me This Week"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><em>A Proclamation Concerning Sand, Suns, and Pre-Imperial Physics<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>My subjects,<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>It has come to my attention that the scientists of the so-called &#8220;real world&#8221; have published a most distressing finding. Of the <strong>six thousand<\/strong> exoplanets they have confirmed, only <strong>fourteen<\/strong> orbit two stars \u2014 what they affectionately call &#8220;Tatooine planets.&#8221; They expected hundreds. They got fourteen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The culprit? Albert Einstein.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>That&#8217;s right. <strong>General relativity<\/strong> \u2014 a theory invented in 1915 by a man with hair like a startled tauntaun \u2014 is, according to peer-reviewed research from <a href=\"https:\/\/news.berkeley.edu\/2026\/01\/30\/why-are-tatooine-planets-rare-blame-general-relativity\/\">UC Berkeley<\/a>, <em>eating Tatooines.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>I have foreseen many things. I did not foresee this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">The Findings, Briefly<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>When two stars orbit each other tightly \u2014 within seven of their puny &#8220;days&#8221; \u2014 gravitational resonance gradually elongates any orbiting planet&#8217;s path until that planet is either <strong>ejected into the void<\/strong> (a fate I have personally arranged for several governors) or <strong>devoured by one of its own suns<\/strong> (a fate I have, regrettably, only arranged metaphorically).<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The lead author, one Mohammad Farhat, described the region around tight binaries as &#8220;an absolute desert.&#8221; No Tatooines. None. The math forbids it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This raises certain\u2026 <em>questions<\/em> about my own galaxy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Inconvenient Implications for Imperial Lore<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p>Let us review the facts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Tatooine has two suns.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Tatooine is the birthplace of Anakin Skywalker.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Tatooine is where Obi-Wan Kenobi delivered an infant Luke Skywalker for &#8220;safekeeping.&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Tatooine is, allegedly, <strong>a planet that should not exist.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p>Obi-Wan. Across the cosmic void: <strong>the hiding place was a statistical impossibility.<\/strong> A circumbinary world of the exact type Einstein&#8217;s equations specifically destroy. You hid the last hope of the Jedi Order on a planet that, by all rights, should have been ejected into the interstellar dark roughly four billion years before any Skywalker set foot on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This was not a clever hiding spot. This was <em>gambling.<\/em> And it worked. Which is, frankly, the most infuriating part.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\">Imperial Decrees Regarding This Matter<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>1.<\/strong> Einstein&#8217;s general theory of relativity is hereby classified as &#8220;broadly correct, but personally offensive to the Throne.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>2.<\/strong> Any officer caught using the phrase &#8220;absolute desert&#8221; in reference to anything other than Jakku, Geonosis, or Vader&#8217;s sense of humor will be reassigned to the Imperial Cosmology Division. (The previous head is currently <em>in<\/em> the Cosmology Division&#8217;s filing cabinet.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>3.<\/strong> The Royal Cartography Bureau shall update all star charts to indicate that Tatooine is now classified as a <strong>&#8220;miracle planet.&#8221;<\/strong> This is intended to improve tourism. It will also, regrettably, increase the number of Force-sensitive children born there. We will deal with that later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>4.<\/strong> The Death Star&#8217;s superlaser shall be tested on a tight binary system at the earliest convenience, in the interest of &#8220;scientific verification.&#8221; If the planets disappear, we have confirmed Einstein. If they don&#8217;t, we have an exciting new vacation property.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p>There is something almost poetic about the discovery that Tatooine \u2014 a desert wasteland I personally consider the armpit of the galaxy \u2014 should turn out to be one of the rarest, most physics-defying planets in the cosmos. A miracle, hiding in plain sight. A world that <em>shouldn&#8217;t be there,<\/em> quietly producing the only two people who ever ruined my day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If I had known any of this in advance, I would have invaded Tatooine first. And last. And several times in between.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Good. Good.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><em>\u2014 The Emperor<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p><em>Source: research from UC Berkeley and the American University of Beirut, published in The Astrophysical Journal Letters. Lead author Mohammad Farhat.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>A Proclamation Concerning Sand, Suns, and Pre-Imperial Physics My subjects, It has come to my attention that the scientists of the so-called &#8220;real world&#8221; have published a most\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-117","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-star-wars"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Imperial Communiqu\u00e9: On the Matter of Tatooine and Other Things That Have Personally Offended Me This Week - deathstarinc<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/deathstarinc.com\/index.php\/2026\/04\/30\/imperial-communique-on-the-matter-of-tatooine-and-other-things-that-have-personally-offended-me-this-week\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Imperial Communiqu\u00e9: On the Matter of Tatooine and Other Things That Have Personally Offended Me This Week - 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